What Am I Doing?
by AddisonRules
Summary: A sequel to "Wait and See."  How that vacation time might lead Mac back to the lab and what-or who-he really needs.


"Vacation" and "Mac Taylor" weren't likely to be linked in many sentences, but after a lot of thought, he had decided Jo was right. A leave of absence-wording he preferred for some reason-would give him time to breathe, to get his head into a better space before he made any life-altering decisions about retirement from the NYPD.

Even thinking the words made him feel like his throat was too tight for him to breathe.

He'd never been very good with time off, as his team knew well, and apparently Danny, Lindsay, Sid, Sheldon, and Don had all briefed Jo on what the likely scenario of Mac's leave would be. So when he called in after day four, his call was routed directly to her desk.

"Everything's fine. Go find something to amuse yourself."

Her voice was singsongy and soft, and Mac laughed despite his very real desire to know what was happening in his absence.

"I just wanted to make sure I hadn't left you with any loose ends dangling."

"Well, if you did, then I guess they can just keep dangling or we'll find a way to tie 'em up or cut 'em off. Because, Mac... now is for thinking... not working."

Which was the plan, she was right. But he just wasn't ready yet.

"Am I at least allowed to have lunch with people? Or did you order them all not to talk to me?"

Jo chuckled, the tone rich and husky through the phone.

"Would I do that? Of course you can have lunch with anyone you want. I'm not **that** bossy."

"Oh, really?"

He heard her slap files against her desk and smiled.

"You want to make sure I don't miss you too much, don't you?"

"I'm sorry," he said, trying not to laugh. "How about you let me make it up to you with the world's best egg cream?"

"There's a burger attached to that, right?"

"There is."

"Then I'll meet you at the diner at 1:00," Jo promised before an interruption pulled her away from the phone.

"I'm not sure I've ever seen you order onion rings before."

Mac watched as Jo attacked a pair of smaller fried circles that were stuck together, but only after she'd thoroughly drenched them in ketchup.

"I was in a mood. So... four days, huh?"

He sighed and shook his head.

"I'm not good at this."

"Well, it might help if you actually, you know, went somewhere. Come on, Mac. There's gotta be someplace you want to go... some adventure you can dive into to just clear your head a little."

The truth was, he'd been thinking about that already. He'd even phoned Stella, thinking it might be a good time to drop down and visit her in New Orleans, check out her lab down there. But she thought the last thing he needed was to go somewhere that had anything to do with another lab. She wanted to see him, sure, but her advice had been "Listen to Jo. She seems to have a good read on what you need to do. So stop thinking about crime and start thinking about... something else."

So he considered other locales that might be interesting, other friends he could visit. One idea kept nagging at him, but Mac just wasn't sure.

"What? What's that thought bubble you're keeping all to yourself?"

He laughed and stole one of Jo's onion rings. Three of his fries were nabbed in return.

"Well, I was thinking it might be a good time for me to call Reed, see if he has some time to just..."

Reed had come up during one of their late-night dinners after Jo had finally managed to talk him out of the lab. So she knew the back story, and when her hand fell atop his, Mac let his eyes seek hers out.

"You should. You two should go sit on a beach somewhere and drink beer and just... talk. Mac, you should absolutely call him."

It had taken him another two days, but Mac called, and Reed, who was trying to decide between grad school or a job out of state, was completely open to the idea. They exchanged a few ideas and finally settled on a Martha's Vineyard fishing getaway.

The ten days on the water had been the first time that Mac had even the slightest vision of what his life could look like without the NYPD. Through his talks with Reed, the ideas of what might come next began to take shape... teaching, writing, finally having real time for his music, and time for things like sitting on a boat on a lazy afternoon with the remarkable young man who kept a part of Claire alive for him.

So when the job offer came, Mac was at least to the point where he could hear the proposal and not immediately turn it down. And when the details came together, it turned out the opportunity might be exactly the kind of thing a man who needed to stay chronically busy could undertake.

Georgetown wanted to be "the" elite forensic training program, essentially becoming the go-to university for the federal government and law enforcement agencies world wide looking for the best and the brightest to revolutionize their crime labs. Mac's name had been on the university president's desk for the entire two year discussion period of just how they could achieve that, but he'd heard at least a dozen times that there was no way Mac Taylor was leaving New York.

He didn't know who it was that had told the man otherwise, but Mac was willing to take the trip to D.C. and see the plans and hear the pitch in person.

"You have to go to Cake Love," Jo told him. "And you better bring me a chocolate fuzzy wuzzy."

"A chocolate what?" he asked.

"Just tell them it's the chocolate one with the curls on top. They'll know. And, Mac... D.C. is great. Not as great as New York, but... give it a chance."

The change in her voice told Mac she was hoping the chance wouldn't be enough, but he thanked her and hung up the phone, a little amazed at having that kind of unconditional support in his life again.

He took the train to D.C. the day before the meeting and spent the afternoon seeing a few sights. Mac made a point to stop by the U Street bakery Jo had directed him to so he could order her favorite cupcakes to take back to the city with him.

It was down to a choice between eating in the hotel bar or heading out to explore some more for dinner when he flipped on the news out of habit. It took him a second to register that the scene on his screen was a real-time broadcast and not a replay of old footage, but when his brain realized what he was seeing, Mac sank down into his chair, eyes glued to the screen.

The ticker at the bottom of the picture was giving him more information than the reporter at present, and the story it told formed a knot in Mac Taylor's gut. A prank in a New York City school that had turned out to be anything but a joke... a bomb that had gone off in the library, thankfully after an accomplice had grown a guilty conscience, setting off the fire alarm, which had stopped any loss of life, though there were several serious injuries.

The bomb squad had cleared the room and the CSI team had gone in. And then something had gone wrong.

He saw Danny first, a bandage across his forehead, and then Don. Flack's left arm was strapped to his body in a sling, the injury he'd suffered hard to discern from the way he was moving. But he was moving, walking beside a stretcher that the paramedics were rushing toward a waiting ambulance. Don's right hand was holding on to the hand of the injured party, his body blocking the patient's face. But then they turned so they could load the gurney into the waiting vehicle, and Mac saw the dark leather bracelets and the silver rings he had studied countless times as his mind took a small mental break to indulge his fascination with Jo Danville.

His cell was in his hand a moment later, and he called Danny first because he'd seen Don climb into the ambulance with her. The newly minted sergeant answered after two rings.

"Mac, we're okay. I mean, I think we're okay."

"What happened?"

"There was a booby trap. The bastards hid it good, and the robot missed it. Jo saw it in time to warn us all to get down. Linds, Flack, and I are a little banged up, but we'll be okay. Sheldon was helping some of the kids, so he wasn't inside. And Jo..."

It took a superhuman effort for Mac to swallow, his throat dry as he tried to find a way to ask the only question left that mattered.

"How bad?"

"She's been unconscious since the blast. The hospital has a C.T. open and waiting on her."

Mac stood and ran for his bag, grabbing the few items he'd hung up and shoving them inside.

"Tell her I'm on my way."

As he waited downstairs for a cab to take him to the airport, Mac called the Georgetown president and told him he couldn't make the meeting.

"My team needs me," was all he said, and then he hung up the phone.

There was no doubt whatsoever that if Jo heard the thoughts in his head as he willed the plane to move faster, she would kick his ass up one side of their high-rise office building and down the other.

There was nothing to say his being there would've made any difference, no proof he wouldn't just be on a gurney next to her or worse. And it's not as if he'd been ignoring the fact that they'd all face danger without him if he really retired and left the department.

But this wasn't some phantom future day. This was today, and he wasn't there with them. They needed him, and he was on a plane hoping that by the time he landed, someone would have good news for him.

His first call on the ground wasn't to the hospital, though. It was to the chief to let him know that his leave of absence was over.

The second call found Sheldon in the New York Presbyterian waiting room.

"Mac, she has a severe concussion. Still hasn't regained consciousness, but there's no brain bleed."

He knew that was good news, but he also knew she needed to wake up before any of them would feel an ounce of relief.

"Ellie and Tyler?"

"Russ is on his way here with Tyler. Lindsay's on Jo's back-up list at the school, so they're letting her pick Ellie up. We didn't think we should wait for you to land."

Mac bit back a sigh, knowing they'd been thinking about shielding Ellie from hearing what had happened from strangers. But he'd somehow hoped to get her in time, to be there to reassure her that everything would be okay.

"No, no, you did the right thing," he said, giving what he could to set Hawkes' mind at ease. "I'm getting in a cab now. I'll be there as soon as I can."

_"But mostly, when it was over, I just kept asking myself 'What am I doing? How much longer can I do this?'"_

As the cab sped toward the hospital, the words he spoken to Jo that last night in his office crept through his mind. They were the right questions, but they weren't about the job. He understood it now. It wasn't what am I doing on this roof? And it wasn't how much longer can I do this job. It was what am I doing battling all of this alone? It was how much longer can I do this without having something else in my life?

And the person who made sure he didn't battle it alone, the person who gave him something else in his life... he had left her behind... with her blessing... and gone on a wild goose chase to find what he already had.

Mac sighed and leaned his head against he window. How was it that he could unravel citywide conspiracies, but he couldn't solve the simplest mysteries about himself without taking a half dozen wrong turns?

"Sir, I said we're here."

"Sorry," Mac offered as his head shot up and he reached into his pocket to grab cash to pay the fare. "Keep the change."

A group of patrol officers waiting for an update or to be asked to do something to help met Mac at the doorway and told him what floor to go to and what doctor to ask for. But he didn't even need that information, because as he came off the elevator, Ellie said his name and ran towards him from down the hall to his right. As the girl flung herself at him, he saw that Flack, who had a soft cast on his injured arm, had taken over for Hawkes, and he was keeping watch over Ellie and Tyler with Russ.

"They said she won't wake up," Ellie said. "Why isn't she waking up?"

Mac let out a deep breath and pulled her a little tighter against him.

"Her body just needs a little more time. That's all it is. You know your mom. No way she's gonna let a bump on the head keep her down for long. Right?"

The young girl nodded and finally lightened her grip on his waist just a bit. Mac drew her with him as he headed toward the waiting area. He saw Tyler come out with Don to meet them.

"El, let's go grab some coffee and soda, okay?"

She nodded at her brother and took his outstretched hand, and when Mac looked back to Flack, he saw the bruises along the side of his face that hadn't been visible on television

"Hawkes went back to help them at the lab. They've got some solid leads. Danny said he'd call to update you, but I told him you'd call after you saw her."

Mac studied his friend for a moment and shook his head.

"How are you?"

"I'll live. We all will. You know how hard her head is."

And he did. Better than anyone.

"Room 3210."

Flack pointed towards the room, and Mac headed that way after tossing a glance at Russ. It had been obvious from their first meeting that one of the FBI agent's biggest regrets was letting Jo Danville go, but Mac knew that her peace with the break had come years before.

_"He's a good man. He just... never knew who I was."_

It was a rare gift... someone knowing you for who you were, not what they wanted you to be. And even though he'd believed he might never share a bond like that again, Mac knew now that he'd found it... and almost foolishly walked away.

She was still and the light in the room was dimmed so that bright light wouldn't aggravate any effects of the concussion she might be feeling when she did wake up. Mac walked forward and took her hand in his, his eyes noting the slight bands of color shift on her skin where the rings she always wore had been removed.

There were so many small moments over the past year when he knew he'd felt the pull of attraction toward Jo, when his heart had leapt at the sound of her laugh or when her smile had broken through whatever dark haze had settled over him. But he'd told himself the friendship they were building was too valuable, too special, to risk on a "what if" that might fall apart.

It had taken until today for him to realize that it was that friendship that made the "what if" so worth the risk. That had been the key to her understanding of him, to her ability to push without pushing too far, to support and nudge and even tease him without ever really provoking him negatively. She had found a hundred different ways to tell him she was there for him. And now he finally understood that taking her hand was the only step he needed to take to quiet the storm the past few months had set off inside of him.

"Hey."

Jo's eyes flickered open, and he would have doubted she'd seen him if it weren't for the tiny voice that came out of her as her fingers brushed against his palm where he held their hands together.

"There are more subtle ways to tell a guy you don't want him to move to another state, you know."

She laughed. It was weak and pained, nothing like her normal laugh, but it was still one of the best sounds Mac could ever remember hearing.

"Everyone else is okay?"

He nodded and gave her hand a squeeze.

"Everyone else is fine. You took the worst of it."

She managed a small nod, and then Jo's eyes fluttered open again.

"You're back?"

Given her injuries, it could've been a worrying question, but Mac knew she wasn't confused or unsure he was real.

"I'm back," he said, and he eased on to the bed, keeping hold of her hand. "I finally figured out that what I needed wasn't so far away after all."

Mac leaned forward, his left hand brushing against her cheek.

"So I hope you enjoyed your break... because from now on, you're stuck with me."

Jo's eyes fluttered again, and then her other hand reached up to take his from where it touched against her skin. Her grip was surprisingly firm as she brought them clasped together to her chest, where she rested the weight against her body.

"Promise?"

He had a list of things he wanted to say... regrets to express, declarations to make, plans to weave. But in that moment, Mac knew that he'd already done the most important thing. He'd figured out what he was doing and why he was doing it. The rest would come.

"Promise," he replied just before he lifted her hand to his lips and gave it a gentle kiss.


End file.
